Anxiety and Hope

Last night I was sitting in my living room watching something on Prime and I heard something happening in the hallway of my building. Normally, my floor is pretty quiet. But for some reason there was a lot of activity last night. As I muted the TV, this is what I heard: A child coughing, a man talking, something with wheels like a trolley, another man talking, beeping like a walkie talkie and footsteps.

Now, this is what my paranoid ass thought I heard: A child coughing because he is infected, a man walking in the hall with a walkie talkie, possible the security guard and another man, possibly an EMT, rolling a gurney and taking someone away. Yes, in the light of day, I realize how I really stretched that. But at the time, this is where my mind went. It also didn’t help when I went to bed and the woman who lives above me starting shouting and stomping like she was running from a ghost. In case you’re wondering, I didn’t watch anything spooky yesterday.  I feel like I’m days from becoming Jeff from Rear Window.

My anxiety and paranoia are at an all time high right now. The questions running through my mind are endless. What if it takes several months for this pandemic to start to decline? What if people really start to panic and do crazy things? What if I step out into the hallway just as someone sneezes? How am I going to keep my sanity for another week or even longer? Then there are the thoughts that run through my mind when I think about going outside for groceries or just a walk. You’d think there was a zombie apocalypse the way I’m acting. I don’t want to have these thoughts or feel this way, but I can’t help it and I hate it.

I need to calm down. I’ve been trying to distract myself with various activities. Messaging and calling family and friends, listening to music, colouring, watching TV and blogging. I have found that writing it out is actually cathartic. So thank you for enduring my ramblings.

But then I think, I’m home with plenty of things to entertain me and it’s really not a bad deal. To be honest, if there wasn’t a pandemic, this would be amazing! This calms me down a bit. Then I hear activity out in the hallway and I get paranoid again. As I read this, I realize how ridiculous it sounds. I haven’t had so many anxious thoughts since my prednisone experience of 2018. That ended because I weaned off of the drug. I wish I had diazepam.

At the end of the day, I have to keep reminding myself that this too shall pass. The Spanish Flu, Avian Flu, SARS…they all ended eventually. Yeah, I’m choosing not to get into the details. You guys know what I mean. The point is we’ll get through this too and deep down I do know that.

But let’s share some experiences and connect. How are you guys feeling and what have you been doing to pass the time and stay mellow during self isolation? What are you watching, reading, listening to? Leave a comment and let me know.

In the meantime, let’s keep calm and stay safe. ♥

 

Fear and Hope

I’m currently at home, like most of us are…or should be. I’m watching Celebrity Ghost Stories and Kevin Pollack is talking about how his partner would seemingly become possessed and start speaking in tongues in her sleep. I really shouldn’t be watching this.

I’m not watching it because I’m bored or because I love horror and ghost stories (only stories!), which I do. I’m watching it because I need a distraction. I need something interesting enough to hold my attention and keep me from thinking about the surreal nightmare that is our reality. Am I being dramatic? Probably. Overly dramatic? No.

We’re dealing with a pandemic. A virus that is potentially fatal. As someone with ulcerative colitis who is on an immunosuppressant, I am scared. As someone with parents over age 65 and small nieces and nephews and family and friends who I love, I’m terrified.

I don’t think that everyone is taking this seriously and I think some people are being very selfish. If you don’t think it can kill you, know that it may kill someone else. Period. We all need to take measures to end this. What really gets me is that all we need to do is stay home. Stay the fuck home. Yes, we need to get groceries and prescriptions, but we don’t need to go out and buy a videogame. This is not the time to call up friends and have a picnic in the park. Idiots!

Now Scott Patterson is talking about a large, demonic bird coming after him. Why are these only B-rated celebrities? Are they the only ones who have paranormal experiences? Or are they the only ones willing to appear on the show? If you think I’m all over the place, welcome to my mind right now. I have to pull myself out of these dark, scary thoughts every so often otherwise they’ll find me months from now in my closet rocking back and forth hugging a tub of Lysol wipes. Okay, see? That’s overly dramatic. I’m still me, don’t worry.

I don’t normally watch the news and with what’s going on now, I really try to limit my intake of information. I only watch the news once a day, first thing in the morning so I know what’s happening. That’s it. If something else happens between that time, I know someone will tell me and that works for me.

Now Charmed is on. The original, not the weird remake. Does Alyssa Milano actually have a Buddhist tattoo next to her rosary tattoo? I’m trying to stay positive and not panic. It’s tricky, but prayer and faith help me. It always does. Talking to friends and family also helps. But mainly keeping my mind occupied with other things is what keeps me from panicking. Well, it’s what stops me from panicking. I’ve already had two random yet urgent and crampy trips to the bathroom in a week. I have to stay calm.

On a bright note, this may be the best time to binge all several seasons of Supernatural. Or GoT. No, I haven’t seen GoT! Get over it! Okay, Piper’s baby just killed someone by using magic. I’m done with this.

Here’s hoping and praying this all ends sooner rather than later. Stay safe, stay calm and stay positive, folks. ♥